Bring Me Some Water, I’m Drowning.

I love water. It calms me.
I love everything to do with water.
Baths, steam rooms, pools, lakes, rivers, oceans,
Niagara Falls.

I could sit in the bath for hours.
A psychic once told me to shower, to get my head straight.
Cleanse. Wash away other people’s energy.

It stuck with me.

I remember as a kid camping in Fort Bragg.
The ocean was breathtaking.
My mom wouldn’t let me go near it most of the time
so I just stared at it.

I remember a lot of images from my childhood
but water sticks with me.

Bodega Bay.
Fort Bragg. Sly Park. Creede.
Venice.

I remember taking baths as a child­
It was quiet in the bath.
I used to dunk my head under the water
listen to the echo,
wonder what it would be like to drown.

My mom can’t swim.
She was always talking about drowning.
“Don’t go to the lake, you could drown.”
“Don’t go to the river, you could drown.”
“I don’t want you rafting, you could drown.”

“Wear your life jacket on the boat you could drown.”
I was 25, living in NYC.
It was the Circle Line Cruise.

Coincidentally, boats and I don’t agree.
I’ve been in two, no wait, three incidences with boats
so I don’t go on boats unless it’s necessary.
I’m not afraid of boats. I bring them bad luck.

I don’t feel scared anymore. I’m ready.
I don’t care what people think
or at least not nearly as much as I used to.

I used to worry about people judging.
I used to care about the car I drove,
the house I lived in, the clothes I bought.
No so much now.

Sometimes.

I still care
but I care more for me.
I want them.
I desire them,
for me.

I used to worry about my obligations.
Now, my focus is my immediate family .
I’m still not willing to forgo other obligations
but my family comes first.

I’m still not doing what I’m suppose to be doing.
I’m still not consistent.
I’m still letting fear in, but how can I not?

A lot of people depend on me.
I have a lot on my mind,
so I’m in the bath again at 1pm
trying to cleanse my energy

forget about other obligations
ignore texts,
ignore emails,
ignore everything­

dunk head
listen to the echo in my brain

Ready. Set. Go.

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Thoughts

thoughts