Disclaimer: For some, this article may annoy you. Perhaps you think this is beneath you. That you shouldn’t have to play games. That if a guy really likes you, you can just be honest or forthright. Be yourself. That if you just are who you are, you will meet Mr. Right, when the time is right. Not True. Sorry, I don’t want to burst your bubble. Humans like a challenge—that’s right humans—boys and girls. I love to hear girls and women complaining about the games they have to play with boys/men. But guess what girls … we play the same games. We play so many games with boys when we are young and hormonal that they develop self-preservation skills quickly.
What’s the secret to getting a guy? First of all make sure you actually want to get him! If you do, then my mom gave me some good advice when I was 13 and it’s worked well for me through the years so I’m passing it on. This advice applies to anyone of dating age and works just as well today as it did when my mom was dating. Technology may have evolved but males and females have not. I hate to say it’s our nature but it is.
What I’m talking about isn’t game playing. It’s about giving him a chance to make up his own mind. Giving him a chance to realize that he likes you. Giving him a chance to know how he feels, instead of you bombarding him and expecting him to respond as quickly as your female brain works.
The 10 steps below are not intended to be used to purposely reel a boy in just to dump in. My steps are meant to get a boy to notice you, put you on his radar and give him the space to decide for himself if you are someone he might like AND give you the space to find out if he is REALLY WORTH IT.
Okay so you’ve set your sights on him. If you really want him, and I mean really want him, then follow these steps. It works 99% of the time. I would say “Guaranteed or your money back” except I’m not charging you! Remember all these steps are simply to get past those BS barriers that get in the way of most relationships, i.e. insecurity, “I’m not good enough,” and all that other crap. You will always be you. I’m not telling you to NOT be you just telling you how to get out of the way of your own self and leave room for romance.
Step 1. Make Eye Contact.
To some this may be called flirting but I don’t want you to get confused or go too far. When I say make eye contact I mean make eye contact. Nothing more. Look at him, wait for him to catch you looking at him BUT BE DISCREET – meaning don’t glare at him until he looks at you. Glance at him casually, periodically, until you happen to catch his eye BY ACCIDENT and then hold the gaze for a moment – furtively, then look away, with the same casual discretion you used to make eye contact in the first place.
Step 2. Flirt.
Okay, so you’ve made eye contact. What next? Now it’s time to flirt. How do you do that? Well, let’s assume you go to school together, or if you are older, work together, hang out together, socialize, etc. When you find yourself in the same proximity glance at him, slightly smile in his direction. Make small talk if you have an opportunity—like something you both have in common, a teacher, a class, the weather, something casual, like a friend. Don’t be his best friend. Just polite with a glimmer in your eye like inside you are saying “Your cute,” and communicate this only through your eyes and body language. Little nudge occasionally. Flirt.
Step 3. Don’t tell your friends (if they know him too)!
If you have friends that have big mouths and think it’s funny to tell the guy you like that you like him, don’t tell them! Keep it to yourself. Be casual if they bring it up. Like – “Yeah he’s kind of cute.” or “Yeah, he’s okay.” Be careful though. You don’t want to do the opposite because that will backfire. Don’t respond “Yuck, he’s gross.” Or “No way! He’s ugly.” Because the same friends that will run off and tell this guy you like him will also run off and tell him you think he’s gross. If he thinks that, it would take an awful lot of guts on his part to still approach you.
Step 4. Don’t Call a Boy.
I realize that most of you text now but I wanted to use the same words my mom used with me. Her exact words, “If he likes you, he will call you. Don’t call him.” Today, we can replace this with “Don’t text a boy.” DON’T!
Let me explain further so you REALLY HAVE THIS ONE CLEAR because it’s THE MOST important step of all and there are many parts to it.
a) Don’t text or call him first. Meaning DO NOT be the first one to reach out via a cell device, or any device, not even a note. WAIT. Let him make the first move! I know you are now saying to yourself, she has no clue what she is talking about. Stay with me.
b) This is easier to describe with a phone but only text him back. NEVER, and I MEAN NEVER text him first, even after you are dating. I know this sounds CRAZY but I mean it. The only time you text him is when he texts you. EVEN if you are in a texting conversation. If you have the last word and he stops responding YOU STOP! I don’t care if you are mid-conversation – don’t text “Hello?” “R U there?” “??” NOTHING!
He texts, you reply.
He texts. you reply.
He texts, you reply.
He texts, you text … done. BASTA. This applies EVEN WHEN YOU ARE ACTUALLY DATING. AND it definitely applies if he flakes. See Step 5 Pretend you don’t care for this. By flaking I mean something like this.
He texts you on a Wednesday, “Hey wanna go to a movie this weekend? Friday?.”
You respond, “Sure.”
He responds, “Okay will text you later in the week.”
You respond again, “K.”
Later in the week arrives and nothing. No text from him. Friday passes, Saturday passes, Sunday passes. Nothing! What do you do? Nothing! DO NOT TEXT HIM! Ignore it. Yes, he just flaked on you but you have to let it go. You have to ignore it. Don’t let him know that his stupid antics or lack of sensitivity is getting to you. He’s a guy. He’s probably doing other shit. It’s NOT PERSONAL. And I repeat, IT’S NOT PERSONAL. Go to the next step.
Step 5. Pretend you don’t care.
Okay. This is a biggie. When a guy flakes on you, and he will, you have to pretend you don’t care. I’m not saying let him walk all over you. What I’m saying is act like your life is so busy and filled with fun stuff to do that you didn’t even notice that he flaked (and maybe you don’t care, more power to you.) You like totally forgot you even had plans so you don’t really care. Get it? Take the example above in Step 4. He flaked on the movie and now Sunday rolls around.
He texts you out of the blue Sunday afternoon with some casual BS like “Hey.” Just that “Hey.” or “Wassup?” And you want to inflict pain on him. Like you are really MAD. Do you ignore his text? No. You don’t. You respond. Always! BUT, give it a sec. Like wait about 2 minutes or at least double the time it would normally take you to respond. And remember you don’t care so your response might be … “hey,” or “not much.” Remember he knows he flaked. He is just testing the waters. He expects you to be pissed. You want to keep him on his toes, surprise him. IF and I mean ONLY IF he brings up Friday – Like –
“Hey, sorry I spaced on Friday,” which he probably won’t do but if he does you respond …
“Friday? Oh right – no worries, I had something else anyway.”
The general idea here is your life goes on whether he texts or not. You have things to do, people to see, places to go and you don’t hang on his texts. Get it? It’s important to learn from a young age to pick your battles and this is NOT one to pick.
Now, let’s say he doesn’t say he’s sorry and asks you if you want to meet for coffee like right now – you would say “can’t. I already have plans, sorry. maybe next time.” Key here is you are only available in advance, not at his beck and call when he has a sec, get it? Oh, this goes the same for if he’s late. Pretend you didn’t notice or you were so busy with something else you didn’t realize it was that late already.
Step 6. Don’t always be available.
Okay so he flakes on you, doesn’t text you regularly, whatever. But when he does text you, or does ask you, IF he has started the game by flaking THEN you must enact step 6. and make yourself unavailable. What I mean is, if he flakes, and then the following weekend he asks you to movie again, say you have plans. You will need to refuse him at least twice for each time he flakes on you. Remember you don’t care, you aren’t mad. You are just not available. “Oops, sorry I can’t. Maybe next time.”
Conversation goes like this. “What about next Friday?”
You respond “Um, I can’t. I have plans.”
He responds, “Ok, Saturday night then?”
You respond, “I can’t Saturday either – I’m going out with my family.”
I don’t care if you are sitting home alone, make something up. Now, third time,
“Oh, ok. Well are you free during the day Saturday?” To which you respond with hesitation.
“Um … let me check. Hold on … I think so.”
By this point, he shouldn’t flake. If he does then you will need to repeat steps 4-6 OKAY! Keep doing steps 4-6 until he stops flaking. Just when he gets more consistent that’s when you move on to step 7.
Step 7. Surprise him.
Assuming you have Step 4-6 down, and I mean really down. Assuming you have established they way you communicate (don’t text him first) and used these tools for a few weeks now and your texts are fairly regular. Maybe he has even asked you why you don’t text him ever—or why he’s always the one making the plans and you’ve responded, “I don’t know,” with some coy head tilt and eye fluttering. You are moving toward possibly hanging out regularly even. It’s time to surprise him. Remember this step can’t happen unless he is actively pursuing you. I hope you know what I mean by actively pursuing you. Lots of looks, lots of glances, texts every night, smiles, jokes, etc. AND you are still only responding to him and NOT making any first moves. You are waiting for him to approach you in person and in text.
(SIDE NOTE: I HOPE you have not had sex with him already cause that’s a whole other post. And in my book ORAL SEX counts as sex. Don’t give a guy a blow job just to get his attention. Don’t DO THAT! You are better than that. MAKE HIM WAIT! A few weeks is nothing. MAKE HIM WAIT! If he isn’t worth it he will move on in the first 2 weeks. Do you really want to give someone a blow job who is going to move on anyway? That’s how you end up feeling like shit. Seriously. SAVE IT!)
OKAY! Back to surprising him. Assuming all of this, you can surprise him. What do I mean? I mean something unexpected. Something you wouldn’t normally do. Like take his hand. Stare at him longer. Make a gesture. Kiss him first. Something. Something that gives him a slight idea that you do “kind of” like him. Because if you have been doing the other steps correctly he will probably feel a little insecure about your feelings by now, and this is the time where you’ll just give him a teeny weeny ounce of hope that you do in fact like him. You will repeat this step about once every 2-3 weeks.
Step 8. Listen to him.
This is a general rule with guys. Talk less. Listen more. When you are together don’t say much. Don’t text your friends. Don’t instagram every photo. Walk around with him. Be with him. Listen to him. Be attentive. I don’t mean stick to him like glue. I mean just genuinely care what he has to say. If he talks about something, ask him more questions. Be there when he reaches out. Don’t share the things he tells you with your friends! Respect what you have together and expect the same from him. If he isn’t like this then he probably isn’t worth more than a month or two – time to move on. AND by the way girls, same goes for him. If he’s on his phone the whole time you are together, skip it. Who needs that!
Step 9. Don’t Flirt with his friends or any other guy.
Okay maybe you are seeing each other more now but there is still a lot of insecurity in the relationship. Maybe you are with a group of friends, and he is ignoring you. Maybe he is even talking to another girl? Maybe. Remember step 5 first and do it. But also remember, no matter how much he is upsetting you don’t go there. I mean don’t flirt with his friends. This is NOT COOL. JUST DON’T DO IT. You can talk to them. You can talk to another guy. You can be yourself BUT DON’T FLIRT! Don’t do those cute little things you do with him with someone else while he watches. You know what I mean. All girls have cute little things they do with the guy they are with. Don’t do them with another guy. Don’t! If he is upsetting you, just walk away or ignore him. It’s important that you don’t blow things out of proportion. Games are always played in the dance of boys and girls – innocent game playing is one thing. If he does something that is really crossing the line like going after one of your friends, he isn’t worth your time. Move on. What I’m talking about here is him being social and not attentive to you as much as you want him to be. If he’s doing that, don’t flirt with other guys to get his attention. Just have fun with your friends and he will come back to you after he’s worked the room.
Step 10. Have fun and BE YOURSELF!
Be daring. Don’t be a whiny girl when you are around him. Be real. Yes, you still have to follow all the other steps above, but when you are actually with him. Be yourself. Speak up about things that matter to you in the world. Have your own opinion. Challenge him. Don’t always agree. Think feisty. Be smart! But remember, no matter how close you are, follow steps 1-9 until you have literally been seeing each other for at least 6 months, which at your age may not happen all that much. In general, these steps are always a great guideline to follow, no matter what your age but when you are with him BE YOURSELF. Let everything else go – how mad you are at him, how insecure you are and do your best to just BE YOU!!
Remember, along the way you may determine that he’s not your guy. That’s okay. He may literally drop out after Step 4. If he does, he is not worth it. He is just using you for SEX. Yes, that’s right. That’s what I said. Guys have one thing on their mind, most of the time (sorry guys, but it’s true), after the age of 13 and that’s SEX. Giggle, giggle. I know, it’s embarrassing. It is. But it’s true.
These 10 steps are the best way to determine if he is worth it. You do the dance and slowly test the waters. By the time you reach Step 10 you will know he is right for you. I’m not saying that you won’t get hurt. I’m not saying that you may not have your heart broken a time or two but you have to put yourself out there to fall in love.
These steps will help you weed out the wrong guys and ultimately lead you to maybe Mr. Right or “Mr. Right for now.” You are young. There will probably be a lot of Mr. Rights.